October 8th, 2010
I will pick myself back up
October 7th, 2010
|02:53 am - None of this|
Is what I want, none of it.
and i'm sitting here paying the price for whatever
December 26th, 2009
I feel like a 12 year old girl, thinking about you
this stupid whatever it is, feelings.
I wasn't really sorry that I kissed you, I just felt like saying it to see what you would say
I don't know what I was expecting you to say, but what you did say wasn't a wrong answer
I think I might just be stuck in the "zone" or maybe you're just taking things slow
either way it's ok with me, as long as I still get to cuddle and we still talk, I don't mind
I am content
and thank you for kissing me back, and not letting things get awkward
December 19th, 2009
I hate the feeling of complete helplessness, that I care so much, and I never want to offend anyone. I let my thoughts get to me way to often, I am completely lost when it comes to anything, and lately not even the simplest things are making sense to me and i feel like i'm a speck of dust just drifting around a room.
Limbo, that's where I am, i feel l like a lonely ghost traveling the earth trying to figure out what I didn't do that kept me here, this same place I tried to leave. But i'm tired of being alone, i'm tired of feeling this way because i'm not alone at all it just feels that way
i'm just a cry baby
November 16th, 2009
I am on the verge of pulling the trigger, one more straw and it will end in cold blood.
oh, i have never been so fucking angry, so fucking hot, so full of hate. I am on the fucking edge
I don't care how fucking idiotic I may sound, and I don't care who the fuck can "relate"
no, you can't fucking relate, and I tried so hard God I tried so hard to make this shit work, to make sure everyone stayed fucking happy
but it's just not fucking possible in this fucking family and I hope he burns in hell
burn in hell you stupid mother fucker you worthless piece of fucking shit
thanks for ruining my self esteem, asshole
i love being lied to, and i love feeling like shit
so thank you very much for just adding on to all the bullshit i had going on
for the record, i'm not crazy and i'm not pathetic
but thanks for making me feel that way
November 5th, 2009
compliments on my writing from strangers are always the best
especially when it was nothing intended for people to read, and was full of stupid little mistakes
I still was told i write well, and have nice grammar. yay!
this week has just gone so slow, oh anxiet
y you have gotten me again. you little trickster
November 2nd, 2009
How can anyone sit through idiocracy?
October 29th, 2009
I like simplicity, simplicity is good.
Unfortunately simplicity isn't enough, and I'll still want more just to have more. Even though it's something I don't really want, that I know I will never use, I'll probably still want it
October 28th, 2009
my life and myself to this point, what I've learned, what i need to work on, things that might help other understand why i am the way i am
- I listen more than i talk, and I won't say anything about a situation unless bluntly asked for my opinion because i don't believe it is my place to be in someone's life unless they want me to be there
- I don't stay at a place for very long because i feel like a burden, home is somewhere i haven't found yet (Yes, i even feel like a burden to my parents)
- I am generally a nice person, I will give you money or make you food, or fix your clothes, or generally whatever you feel needs to be done simply because i was raised in a home where the woman's job was to keep the house proper, cook and clean, and make everyone happy
- the above is probably why i have so much anxiety and stress
- I feel like a hypochondriac sometimes, maybe i am really crazy? but i try and blow off any anxiety, depression, panic as stress related and i probably cause most of it myself because of who I am
- At 17 years old I had to start taking care of my family, or it felt that way, picking up a grown 45 year old man up of the floor and into his bed, driving around a 60 something year old drunk, and trying to get my mother to come home because my brother and I were taught to be afraid of darkness and seclusion.
- My hope to become a psychologist started because I wanted to know exactly what causes people to become the way they are from all sorts of perspectives and teachings
- I feel like I can't do anything with my life because I feel like my family needs my help more than I do
- I am very insecure, and can't hang out with people for long simply because it is hard to find someone who doesn't annoy me or aggravate me to a point of pushing. It's hard to find someone <i>willing</i> to understand. Everyone has the capabillity to understand, they just don't want to
- I'm not selfish, I hate asking people for anything, and I really hate myself when I go on my stupid rants about how everyone else is getting theirs but i'm not getting mine simply because it's hard for me to believe these people actually deserve what they are getting. But when something bad happens to anyone, i feel really bad. I'll do anything to help anyone
- I don't like sympathy, and I don't like getting help from other people, I realized a long time ago I need to be dependent on myself and i still don't trust myself enough
- I have a tendency to disappear and to stop hanging out with people, stop calling friends, and generally push people away, if you have been paying attention so far, the reasons for this should be obvious
- I hate eating, and I mean that quite literally. I would rather take vitamins and those little packages they sell that are like "Breakfast in a bag" or something like that, or drink caffine until I don't want food.
- I don't get hungry when I'm high, infact looking at food after smoking makes me want to throw up
- I hate getting drunk, but of course i did it to make other people happy, in case you haven't noticed yet I'm a people pleaser, it comes with being raised to be a house wife.
- I want so badly to get a job and go back to school, but i feel like i am being trapped by an invisible wall
- I'm sick and tired of hearing bullshit about love and life WHY THE HELL DOES EVERYONE CARE SO MUCH? Even though i don't care, and I think all ideas and feelings are just stupid in general ( feelings should be in quotations, i would much rather call them obsessions or immaturaties, but feelings seems to be a word most people would rather hear and understand instead of actually using their brains for once and trying to grasp something) , I will still listen and still try to want to understand, but the truth is I really don't want to understand why people stay in those stupid 13 year old girl phases.
- I become a bitch when I am under stress or being pushed to far, and bluntly telling me I am being a bitch does not make the situation any better. I have been known to break glasses and spit in others faces. More often I black out, which is why I have become a laid back and quiet person when in large social groups
- Brushing my hair is just a waste of time to me because it's just going to be up, or matted by the end of the day because i pull on and mess with it so much
- I scratch my arms violently when I am anxious, I couldn't tell you why, but I do
- I can handle pain, pain is something that i can easily handle. hormones, however, and obsessive girls and boys, are something i can not
.....to be continued when my shoulders aren't sore and I feel like it